Through The Tulips Words of 'Wiz'dom

2021- What can I begin to say about this year, or actually- what can I ‘not’ say about this year- there is “SO” much.

Let me start with today. Currently, the smell of a soup concoction is bubbling away on the stove and the sun is streaming through the window. A welcome dose of Vitamin D as this year comes to a close and a huge contrast from the wind & hail I endured on this mornings walk.

The end of the year is always a time of reflection for me- More on what I have learned and how I can carry that into the new year & continue to build on it. On today’s walk- I paused in the middle of the road and I exhaled, deeply. I realized at that moment that more often than not this year- I have been holding my breath, something that I haven’t been fully aware of until pausing in that moment & reflecting.

Usually- I have a word of the year that resonates with me towards the end of each year- and that’s something I think about and work on throughout the year- It can be anything, but this year I realized today- I didn’t have a word this year, or if I did- I forgot it, as so much of this year has been a blur.

I kicked off 2021 in the United States- in the midst of what continues to be a global pandemic & what came with its own share of grief & pain. I missed seeing everyone I usually see & others whom I planned to see, but in the end- the reality is- sometimes we have to make hard decisions that aren’t what we ‘want’ to make.

In terms of regrets- I try not to live my life with regrets- and quite honestly- it’s the main reason I traveled home last year- as it wasn’t a decision I made lightly and also not with some shame from a few people, which has everything to do with their own projections and nothing to do with me.

I wanted to spend time with my family & have no regrets – which is exactly what I did- and I will forever be grateful as later I lost my precious Denny to complications from the accident he had in 2019 which rendered him a quadriplegic, ironically (or not) on the same day his mom, my grandma passed away exactly 20 years before. I was able to hug him before I left and hear him tell me how much he loved me & a week before he passed, he told me he loved me- his last words – a beautiful gift.

In a world that has become so black and white- and as someone who is deeply feeling and lives in the rainbow of possibilities- I had to find my way in a pool of grief and uncertainties that challenged every thing I thought I knew. As I saw people I have loved and admired for a very long time say and do things that were completely opposite of what I thought I knew about them as being good people.

That was and continues to be a huge challenge for me- but it is easier now. Holding space and knowing that two things can be true which appear to be completely different. Someone CAN be an inherently good person & yet have what is for me a very limited and fear based world view. Can we assume that simply because we know something from our own life lens, that someone else, who has a completely different life experience and world view should share our opinion? No- What we can do is show up and be willing to have a conversation- not to be right- but rather than to give ourselves the opportunity to see through someone else’s eyes and try to understand, even if we disagree with every fiber in our being.

The sad part is we seem to have forgotten that thanks to the polarized world we live in and thanks to Social media for giving everyone a platform to say whatever is on their mind plus to gather like minded people and send people into extremes because of it- It may sound far fetched, but I watched it unfold in front of me with much horror & have since learned it to actually be based in psychology/ sociology- The great thing is- we can and do have the power to be better and to learn… If we so choose.

In other more positive news, I discovered my love for walking and walking and walking- Even after my knee injury which had me not walking for a few months- I’ve recovered and become better than before. It’s my saving grace and the best way for me to keep my mental health in check. I still get lost in my head at times but I am grateful.

Good health- I’m grateful for that and the time spent with friends- has been all the more special since the pandemic- and it’s also given me new perspective on what is important in life.

Some of my friendships have deepened and others have faded- I’m grateful for those lessons.

I’m grateful that I have been able to do much harder things than I ever thought possible & I’ve created a list (albeit in my head momentarily) of non-negotiables in my life.

I’m not sure if I will have a word for 2022, but what I do know is that I want to continue to be open to learn, to unlearn other things I thought I knew, but realize are not serving at all, & I want to continue to strive to love in all things- to make a positive difference & to be grateful to God for all my blessings- and there are many..

The one thing I’ve dropped the ball on the last couple of months has been my daily musings- I still write here and there, but I have began focusing on so many other things- at some point something has to take back seat- and thus far it had been writing. I’m planning to change that.

Along with the weather- November has brought a huge shift in many things in my life. I continue to feel untethered at times and yet, part of me feels more grounded than I ever have. It’s contradictory to say the least, yet not. It all boils down to where I am right now- and with so many things I feel more connected than I have since the beginning of the pandemic and everything leading up to it.. and others, I’m realizing how deep the crap show of learned behavior is in my life and ‘unlearning’ is a huge process that takes a LOT of energy at times.

Part of my unlearning has been not only acknowledging what doesn’t work, but also going back to check myself when I noticed I’m going down a slippery slope- be it with emotions- food- the list goes on…

Over the weekend- I’ve noticed I’ve been eating more things that I normally don’t indulge in- which there is nothing wrong with the occasional indulgence, but I know how easily I can make an indulgence a ‘norm’ and that isn’t the life I want for myself. Balance- all things in balance.

I’ve been able to recognize the behavior and now I’m working on getting back to what is important to me- that fits within my big picture- I have given myself a small goal for the next month and a half- and we will see where it takes me.

=Work is also picking up a bit as the holiday season is coming our way- I’m very grateful for this- and yet- here is where I want to do so much more- but I know that in doing so, I may overwhelm myself and find myself slipping into old patterns. Rather, I’m focusing on what works and what doesn’t and how each feels-

Creatively- I am feeling really inspired and happy. Grateful for the opportunities that come my way & all that go along with them.

Walking continues to be a place where I listen and learn- confront myself and my thoughts and work through all the things I am learning to let go of- including trying to understand and package prettily why some things have no rhyme and reason- they simply are.

Life has given me a gift- and I don’t intend to waste it.

Some days I feel like I could take on the world & others- not so much. I spent the morning walking with my neighbor, talking and soaking up the warmth of the day.

There is so much that I want to do at the moment, yet I am in a sense of feeling overwhelmed because I’m not sure where to begin. I’ve been doing great on my new plan, yet the last couple of days 200grams has been added to my weigh in- Granted, I know that isn’t much and I know I’m doing the right things- and we’ve had a significant increase in temps- but at times I think ‘what if this is it’ ….. thankfully those thoughts are fleeting, yet they are there.

It is life- and how we deal with them is what matters. Rather than throwing in the towel- I know to continue making the right choices and moving forward and the rest will eventually fall into place.

Yesterday I had one of those ‘off’ days- I can’t really put any rhyme or reason to it other than maybe hormones, but what I do know is that I felt triggered. Not only emotionally but also physically- I had stayed within my calorie range yeterday, yet last night- all I wanted to do was eat- eat- eat-

I thought- if I could just satisfy my craving with ‘something’ I would feel a lot better. In the end- I did not cave and I survived. In fact- I woke up feeling much better today and when I went out for my walk I did realize that I overdid that and ended up over heated, but I did it. (Note to self- Pushing too hard isn’t ok) I hydrated and ate some hummus and Wasa for lunch which gave me enough salt to replenish what I lost. After a couple of hours- my energy returned.

Tomorrow’s goal is to do smaller bite sized walks- 20 minutes each and do three- it will help increase my steps, plus it shouldn’t overheat me.

I’m learning- actually relearning things I learned a long time ago- and some new things & it’s working. I’m grateful. Progress over perfection, always.

Thoughts, Actions = Consequences.

Have you ever broke that down and given it a lot of thought? As of late I’ve been doing exactly that- Not only in terms of my own well being- but also for health and so many other ‘life’ things-

Today I have felt a bit off- I slept bad and even though I’ve got my step and exercise goals in and am making the right choices for me- I can see where I could ‘easily’ grab something and run with it-

Triggers – Being tired and somewhat annoyed b a myriad of things I have no control over (note to self: Let go of what you have no control over)

From there my thoughts can go ary- Walking is my saving grace for keeping myself in check, but today, because of the aforementioned- my walk was filled with thoughts- which on the whole is great- I took action by walking to help me work through my thoughts, rather than saying- Nah I am not going to walk home from the grocery store- instead I think I’ll eat some ice cream.

Every conscious choices makes a difference — Don’t forget that!

My heart is so heavy today- with Ida beating down the Gulf Coast- especially Louisiana and the devastation that was left in its path. That on the anniversary of Katrina- How does one even begin to process reliving the trauma of 16 years ago all over again?

I think about the people in California who are struggling in the fires- the people in Palestine and the Afghanistan people. So much suffering and tragedy- there are days when I don’t know how to manage & yet on the grand scheme of things I know how very blessed I am in my own life. I can choose to ignore but yet- where is the human in humanity in that? So I tether along trying to decide how I can best be of service to those in need.

I feel in life as though I am on a cusp of something different. So many huge happenings for myself- and it has meant closing some doors to allow others to open- to challenge myself and yet also be open to say no- and also recognize the right opportunities when they appear.

Some things no longer serve me- yet I continue to hold on out of habit- security- or who knows? What I do know- in order to continue this path- I need to keep trusting the process- and learn that letting go means trusting- and accepting the new beginnings that will be even better. It doesn’t mean they will always be smooth sailing- but it means knowing that ultimately- I’m doing the right thing- When you know, you know. Trust the process including the growing pains-

Have you ever thought about how sometimes it isn’t what it said that speaks the loudest, but what isn’t said? I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately and how it seems that so many have stopped having conversations, but find it easier to simply walk away- While in some cases, I supposed that is essential- in most it would be nice to believe that we can sit and have conversations- even difficult conversations without feeling we need to discount someone else’s thoughts or feelings.

Being open to hear someone else- even when we don’t necessarily agree- is an opportunity to learn. Don’t we all want that for our lives? It has become clear to me that definitely isn’t the case. Not everyone grows at the same pace- and that’s ok.

I am SO grateful that my knee has ‘mostly’ been cooperating with me and that I’m able to get out and walk more these days- Today I’m at a little short of 9km and before the day is over, I know I’ll have that easily.

Walking and spending time in nature is my space for thought and meditation, plus it is a firm reminder the importance of health and mental well being.

The temps are starting to show signs of Autumn and as my bath water runs- I’ve made myself a cup of tea- something I only drink in the cooler months of the year. It’s 64 degrees F & while I had thought I may spend some more time outside this evening- I decided in the end to curl up with a good book or the last episode of Gossip Girl and relax.

Recently I had some thoughts about how I’ve been talked about behind my back by others- and wondered ‘why’ rather than having a conversation- but this morning I came across a quote from Wayne Dwyer that said, “What other people think of me is none of my business.” No truer words could be spoken- and the reality is- do I care what others think? If I know I’m living my life with authenticity and integrity- that’s all that matters to me in the end. I know the right people have and will continue to be in my life. That is what matters and the rest- simply noise.

I’m living it up Friday night- waiting for my grocery delivery and sipping a H2O cocktail- haha It’s 7pm and I’ve spent quite a bit of time outdoors today exercising, some of which was unexpected exercise when I saw that the heather is in bloom when we were out and about. So that became a quick Google search of finding a great place to walk and explore- It was a great unexpected opportunity and taking the road less traveled definitely gave us some unexpected gifts.

Speaking of opportunities- I am so excited to be given an opportunity to be a part of a project and also so excited to be a part of the baking community- There is so much love, encouragement and inspiration, which feeds my soul on so many levels. I am so grateful for the friendships I’ve formed and the people who have become a regular part of my life. It’s such a blessing.

Right now- I simply feel grateful. I know big things are headed my way and I’m shifting how I do things to be ready for them. That includes continuing to let go of what does not serve my well being- and being authentic all the time-..

Fall- That’s the other “F” word that is on my mind currently. But because I promised three friends that I wouldn’t use the word as they are refusing to think about another season until they can fully embrace the last few weeks of the current one- aka Summer.

Unless Mother Nature has other plans that have yet to be revealed, this has been a mild Summer season. I’m honestly not hating it, because as much as I love the sunshine and spending time outdoors- I also love cool evenings and sleeping without getting sweaty-so for me this has been the best of both worlds summer.

Life has been weird and discombobulated – so much so that yesterday I asked my mom if I was adopted as I definitely feel at times as though my thought process matches up with so many other members of my family- She laughed,, of course, but I often wonder what has happened to the compassion and empathy of some of the people I love.

Same holds true for a few friendships as well- as I’ve realized as of late that not all people want to see us grow and thrive- because it challenges their own comfort. There is nothing wrong with the latter- but when you expect others to stay where they are simply because it doesn’t mean you have to confront yourself- and resent them for embracing change in their lives- I’m not sure what to think. It has definitely been a reminder that the full moon is making its way into our atmosphere and looks like it may be a doozy for some.

I feel as though I’m in this season of growth- but right now pausing- taking inventory as if I’m about to launch into space- The Train Song- Drops of Jupiter comes to mind. I feel the urge to learn something new- expand on things I already know- and spend time with those I love.