Through The Tulips Words of 'Wiz'dom

December 10, 2016

Dreaming of a White Christmas

Filed under: Gratitude,Holidays,Home,Life,Memories — gardener @ 12:31 pm

Marcel and I spent a few days away earlier in the week and on the first day we were gone, we arrived at our hotel to find that the ground was covered in white.  It wasn’t snow, but a heavy frost that stayed all day (with the exception of where the sun shined directly on it), and it was absolutely breathtaking.

I was able to grab a few photos before the sun went down, and my intention was to get up early the next morning and to visit some of the hiking trails and take a few more shots of the beautiful area and frost.    Unfortunately the blue skies were replaced with grey and during the night the frost had melted, leaving behind the magic of the frost.

Since I grew up in the Deep South and a white Christmas is almost unheard of,  I dream every year of having a White Christmas.   Since moving I’ve had one twice in the last fourteen years, plus I had one once when I lived in Williamsburg, but that’s all.    It’s beautiful, peaceful and filled with magic and I’d love one this year.    I know I’m not the only one, and I also know with snow comes road hazards, but Let it snow! Let it Snow!   If only for a day!

February 26, 2011

Remembering

Filed under: Health/ Fitness,Life,Memories,Sands of Time,Seasons — gardener @ 6:51 am

Lately, I’ve been having a LOT of dreams about Carol. Some of you who know me know who she is and others who have been reading this space for a while (or one of my other blogs) may also know that Carol was my aunt and best friend for many years. Last year she passed away after an out of the blue seizure that left her unable to survive without a ventilator.

In many ways it still seems surreal to me. I couldn’t go home for the funeral- not because I didn’t want to, but because I couldn’t make the trip alone. Emotionally, I knew I would crumble. Instead, I wrote something that was ultimately read at the funeral. When I think back about writing it- everything is pretty much a haze. Sort of like most of last year.

Last year in spite of all the great things that happened in my life- it was also a year of great loss. I didn’t stop to heal because too much was happening. One thing right after another- like a stack of dominos and the only way I knew to survive was to work. That would keep me from thinking… but as with all things we don’t deal with- comes back to haunt us later. (That’s an entry for another day.)

I’m sure I’m having the dreams because next week will be the anniversary of this horrible moment in time. Last night- I opened my document folder where I have the letter that I wrote for Carol’s service. I stared at it for a little while and then I read it- for the first time since I wrote it. I don’t remember capturing so much of the essence of who she was- as much as that’s possible on paper. I cried and cried some more.

There are still moments when I don’t believe it’s real, even one year later. Even now- I still am unable to write my feelings, at least not for the world to see. Maybe I could write them on a piece of paper and tuck them away- although I somehow doubt that as well. I know I should… It could only help.

February 20, 2011

Forgotten Treasures

Filed under: Home,Memories,Things I Love — gardener @ 9:49 am

The past couple of days I’ve been cleaning out drawers and spaces where I haven’t ventured in a while, and it has almost been like Christmas in some aspects. The intention of going through these spaces was to get rid of things that I no longer used, but in doing so, I’ve also found things I’d forgotten that I even owned.

My favorite thing so far- a pair of knitted purple house socks with a cat applique on each side. The cat is coming unsewn on one of them, so I’ll repair it so I won’t lose ‘kitty’.

The odd thing is that I have no recollection of when or where I bought them. I do remember buying them, just not when. My favorite thing about them (aside from the cute cat on the side) is that they are just the right amount of warmth- not too much and not too little. They keep my feet the perfect temperature.

I can’t wait to see what other treasures I find in this quest to reorganize and get rid of things that we no longer use.

January 23, 2011

Lots of Catching Up to Do

Filed under: Life,Memories,Shop til ya Drop — gardener @ 6:50 am

When I ever get enough rest that I actually have something that resembles energy- I really have a lot that I would like to talk about on this blog and my others. While some of my friends are starting to think about prom dresses for their daughters, I’m thinking about the best way to train JJ so he will listen. It’s a huge contrast from my friends with children, but our children happen to have four legs instead of two.

Some people have asked me if it makes me feel as though I have less in common with some of my friends and personally I don’t remember ever feeling that way. It makes me sad sometime to think about getting old and being alone, but on the whole, I know my life is good and I have a great time spoiling other peoples children.

I wonder how some of my friends who don’t have children feel.

November 27, 2010

Bale Jumping

Filed under: Life,Memories — gardener @ 7:05 pm

My parents have a large field out their back door and they rent the land to a farmer who grows and cultivates hay. At the end of the season, when it’s ‘cuttin’ time- he bales the hay in large, round bales and lines it up along the tree line on the other side of the field.

This afternoon the kids decided to play on it, and the adults (or more accurately- the females) decided to climb up and jump from bale to bale. It goes without saying that it was quite comical- but we had a blast. I think we may actually do it again. I did get a great video of mom that I’ll be putting on You Tube.

November 18, 2010

First Things First

Filed under: Home,Life,Memories,Sands of Time,Travel — gardener @ 8:22 am

Yesterday we had three things on the agenda for our first day home. The first was to get some shopping done for some food and other things that I needed. I usually don’t travel with shampoo, deodorant or anything like that and just pick it up when we get to our destination. Since those are necessities, that was at the top of our list.

Mom and diddy are also in the market for a new computer, so part of our time was spent between two stores looking at computers and trying to find the most for their money. The decision between laptop and desktop is also on the table and yet to be decided. (I think we’re making progress though.)

Another thing was that I needed to go to the cemetary to Carol’s grave. It was hard- really hard and I found that I just wanted to run out of the cemetary. I couldn’t seem to allow myself to cry freely- I’m not sure why. Instead, I walked away and went to the other part of the cemetary to visit my grand and great grandparents graves.

When I was done, I got back in the van and mom told me that last week my cousin died. She couldn’t bare to tell me yet another person had passed away this year. Jerry had been sick for many years and I’d planned to see him while I was home. I guess God had other plans. I can’t wrap my head around the loss that has happened this year. I’m going to work through it though, a little at a time.

I’m SO happy to be home.

November 14, 2010

In the Genes

Filed under: Health/ Fitness,Life,Memories — gardener @ 7:49 am

I was lying in bed last night and my mind was wandering all over the place. For some reason, my great grandmother McCormick came into mind and I couldn’t help but remember how even at close to 100 years old she looked much younger. My grandmother, who died at 72 was also mistaken for someone much younger. In fact, most of the men she dated were at least 20 years younger than her.

Mom is now 63 and also looks younger than her age. I like to think that at 43, I look younger than some that I know who are even younger than I am. I tend to think that you don’t need the best wrinkle cream if you’re blessed enough to have good genes, and let me tell you- we definitely do in our family. If I can look as good as Grandma McCormick did at her age, then I’ll know I’ve done something right.

November 4, 2010

Enveloped in Sadness

Filed under: Memories,Sands of Time — gardener @ 11:28 am

I called Sheila earlier to see how she was doing. I knew she’d been struggling but I know by talking to her I have to confront the very things that I’ve been trying to avoid- and that something is Carol’s death. I know- for someone who is a take-the-bull-by-the-horns kind of girl, I’ve been avoiding this whole thing. Not Sheila- I love her dearly, but anything that puts me in that path of the sadness I feel when I think about it. It being the life changing event of Carol’s death.

I love Sheila dearly and the truth of the matter is I WANT to be there for her. I wish that I could go back in time- wave a magic wand and give her the life that she deserved to have. It wasn’t that she had a bad life- she didn’t. She had parents who love her very much- but things should have been different, but they weren’t.

I put my own self aside and called her. We had the small talk and this time she opened up to me- really opened up to me and I was able to talk to her- cry with her and open up. When I hung up the phone- I felt gutted. I still do- I feel as though a blanket of sadness has been thrown over my head and I know there’s nothing I can do but walk through it.

Sometimes… if having a magic wand were enough- … I know this too shall pass- but it’s one of those things that will take a while. I’m trying to give it that time.

October 31, 2010

Good Outweighs the Bad

Filed under: Home,Life,Memories,Sands of Time — gardener @ 11:33 am

As I was sitting here eating my big lima bean soup with ham that I made yesterday- I realized that we have 16 days until we leave for our trip.   I’ve counted down month after month, and now that the proverbial brass ring is in reach, it almost doesn’t seem real, yet it is.

I am excited beyond excited to be making this trip and yet at the same time I’m a little nervous about it.   The good definitely outweighs the bad, but I know that in spite of all the good- I’m going to have to come face to face with the reality that Carol is no longer with us.   I know that intellectually I’ve known that since March, but yet in my heart- sometimes I feel as though she’s still here.    I didn’t go home for the funeral because I don’t think I could have handled it alone- and yet, because of that- I lack the closure that I need.

At first, I thought I’d done my mourning and that I was moving on, but what I’d really done was found a way to tuck it deep into the subconscious so that I didn’t have to feel the pain.  It worked for a while, at least I thought it did- although the reality was that it manifested itself in the fact that I wasn’t making the right food choices or in the fact that I’d forgotten what exercise was.   I knew I needed to do something, but yet the desire had washed down the train with yesterday’s bath water.

Eventually the dreams started.   Sometimes they are bad dreams and other times they are just odd-  mostly though, they’re sad and when I wake up I notice that I’ve been crying in my sleep.  For a moment though- I think her being here is just a bad dream, but only for a moment until the reality sets in.

Last week I told mom and Desere both that there are days (like right now) when I can talk about things on the surface, but the depth of what I feel is yet to come out.   If I sense even a bubble of that emotion, I push it away back into the confines of my subconscious where I know I won’t have to deal with it.    Don’t get me wrong- I know I MUST deal with it, in order to move forward-  but that time has not come.     I know the time will come when I’m home-  when I stand before her grave and see that stone and know that it wasn’t all a bad dream, but it was real and that no amount of missing her will change a thing.    She is the closest person to me that I’ve ever lost and I don’t know what to do with the emotions but bury them even though I know it’s not healthy at this point.

I have always struggled with death of any sort-   and struggled the most when my grandmothers died, but this …. this doesn’t compare.   There are no words..  I need to go to the cemetary-  and yet I want to pretend that I don’t have a reason to be there.     Yes, this is something I’m not looking foward to, but I know that the good outweighs the bad… I just have to keep telling myself that when confronted with this.

October 29, 2010

Sailing Ships

Filed under: Food for Thought,Life,Memories — gardener @ 5:02 am

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we tend to do things that give us some sort of ‘pay off’. It doesn’t always mean that the pay off is a good one, but we do things because it feeds something within us. Even if we are prone to obsessive behavior- it may not be necessarily healthy, but there’s a ‘reason’ we do it or it would stop.

I remember when I graduated from High School my mother said to me that I should enjoy those months leading up to it and at graduation she encouraged me to embrace that moment in time because it was the last time we would all be in one place at the same time. At the time, I don’t remember giving it much thought and may have even dismised it as one of those ‘momisms’ but yet, it stuck with me for more than 25 years. It hasn’t been one of those things that has been a constant in my mind, but something that I’m reminded of from time to time.

This summer was my 25 year class reunion. I wasn’t in the area, so didn’t make it, but some of us have decided to hold an ‘unofficial’ class reunion when I’m home for the holidays. Thanks to Facebook, I’ve been able to reconnect with some of the friends I had in high school and also realized that I don’t have anything in common with some of my old classmates. 25 years is a long time and we have all changed and grown over the years. Mom was right- that moment in time will never be recreated and while it was precious then- this is now.

I’ve learned in recent years that no matter how much you may love something from you past- you can’t recreate that. It was what it was during that moment in time, and no matter how try you hard to grasp and return to that moment, or make it what it was. It just isn’t possible. It’s important not to spend too much time looking back on what was happening then, that you fail to see the beauty in what IS now.

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