Today- after several years of working through the death of a loved one dear to me- and the death of a friendship that also meant a great deal to me- (two separate incidents) I can finally say that I have finally got my groove back- For those few years- I felt like I was in a continual ebb and flow of working through the emotions, and healing from the pain. I know that in order to move forward in life we must walk ‘through’ things- rather than attempting to walk around them- otherwise they will manifest and show up in more ways than one, and often at the most inopportune times- although I’m not really sure that there is ever an opportune time for pain.
The great thing about pain- is that its a gift- even though we don’t always see it as one, and often it sometimes even comes dressed up looking like a curse- but with an open mind and heart- I can assure you- there is a gift waiting to be unwrapped.
Losing Carol suddenly was a huge shock to me and even though I clearly was emotional and devastated- I hid behind work for a while because the pain was almost more than I could handle. It subsided for a while, but eventually it manifested itself in little ways- and later showed up in anxiety- which is something I don’t generally have, and a clear sign to me to ‘do the work’ to work through the pain.
It was layer after layer- and it took a long time to be able to do that- and in the meantime- a couple of years later- I ended a ten year friendship with someone I loved dearly- because the friendship had made a huge shift- lies were being told- and our friendship was no longer being honored- nor was I as an individual- I don’t like to ‘quit’ on anything, but for the sake of own well-being I walked away- the aftermath was even more painful, because I saw things that happened in her hurt and anger that betrayed everything that I always believed our friendship stood for.
It led me down a rabbit hole- I generally don’t like those- since they are dark and you never really know what to find there, but I spent a LONG time not only trying to understand the whole dynamic of what happened and what my part in it could have been (which I later realized had nothing at all to do with me) and also the journey to evaluating every single relationship in my life, and I do mean every.
That rabbit hole was necessary, and it was a gift of seeing who was true- and who was not- and where different intentions lay- A few relationships that I’d held on to out of not wanting to ruffle any feathers or hurt feelings- I let go of. It wasn’t personal towards them, but I did not want to waste the gift I was given…
The thing with working through your own pain- being open to the process and knowing that in spite of the pain that there are lessons to be learned and it’s a gift- is that when you feel as though you have reached the point where you’ve fully let go- and have healed from it all- then you also realize that as you let go of anything toxic in your life- it’s often met with a fierceness of anger, and frustration… because for some reason- people ‘need’ to feel validated. What they don’t seem to understand is that we do things that work for us- and to know me- is to know that I don’t do things with anything but honorable intentions. It doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes have thoughts of doing dishonorable things- but in the end my integrity matters far more than any simple little act of vengeance, plus I figure it isn’t my place to do that.. Life has a way of working those things out on their own.
In many ways it’s probably like a birthing process- there is this time where I was working on going through and working through it all- understanding and accepting the ebb and flow- riding the waves and accepting them as they were.. rolling along with the current- and knowing that it was a gift I was giving myself-
As with many big life things that rock us to the core- it also means that other things are sacrificed in the process- and in the midst of this process my regular exercise routine- plus my mostly healthy eating plan- all went through the window- tossed out. I would ‘try’ to get back on track but I was not successful- again- and again- and again- and again- and yet I could not understand why- why couldn’t I flip the trigger- and the reality was- I was working on moving through and healing- learning and growing- and my focus was committed to that- and I couldn’t put focus on something else- this needed my full attention- and it got it.
Now- I am ready- I feel wiser, and stronger, and I have healed- does it mean that life won’t give me other painful moments in my lifetime? Of course not- but I feel that I’ve learned and that should make it a little easier-
So this year I’m giving myself a gift- and the gift to me is to get back on a regular exercise routine- to continue to surround myself with the most amazing, inspiring and beautiful people, plus to continue to eat real food- and eat mostly healthy food- with the occasional treat thrown in. It is all about finding balance- and that’s something I’ll need to do considering my business, but I’m ready-
For the first time since 2010, I can say I’m ready-
As the evening draws on the last day of my ‘celebration month’- I find myself very much in awe of the beauty in my life. These sunflowers- a gift I gave myself, because I love them so much and how they remind me of the importance of keeping my head facing the light- and to keep my own inner light shining bright.
