Sometimes we don’t realize the depth of an impact of a situation in our lives until a long time after- or as in this case,,, years after.
First, it has been a while- even though I started blogging in the days long before blogging was a ‘thing’, it wasn’t until recent months that I realized the one big thing I was missing was that outlet to be able to share my thoughts.
Before blogging- I wrote in journals, blank notebooks, napkins, etc. In fact- I don’t remember a time when I haven’t written. I’ve been slapped on the wrist for being ‘chatty’ with my writing by more than one college professor, but yet- there is something about the written word that flows through my mind as though I am having a conversation with a dear friend. Quite honestly, I also find myself feeling stifled by the thoughts of following a particular type of structure when it comes to sharing my thoughts, so I suppose, that maybe the rebel in me, be it accepted or not- wants to write when and what I want, because my intention isn’t to impress others, but to allow a little of what passes through my mind to lend itself to paper, or as in this case- the computer screen.
This blog has been around for years and years- It’s been the ground for many ramblings over the years, and then silence…. Try as I might- I lost my voice somewhere along the road & I’m finally finding it again. At least, that is my intention.
Back to the beginning paragraph- Sometimes we don’t realize the impact something has on our lives until we pause, get still with ourselves and be brutally honest with why certain things have changed in our lives- what is the catalyst?
Sometimes- we do the aforementioned and can’t seem to make any headway- and then one day it hits us. That’s where I am now.
In 2010 – 9 years ago this month, I lost someone I love suddenly. I read about them being in the hospital on Facebook and a few short days later they were removed from the ventilator and within the hour they passed. I didn’t go home for the funeral.
The death was what I call a by-product of Opiod addiction, before it was labeled as the crisis that it is today, and when doctors were freely giving the pills for every little ache and pain. She passed from other circumstances, but it was related to addiction, which started with those types of drugs.
For a while- I went down the road of the “I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t moved across the globe and had been there for her. Would the end result have been the same, or would she be living and loving life today? Those are questions that will never be answered, so I stopped entertaining them, as I know they serve no real purpose other than to keep the never ending cycle of sadness and ‘what if’ going.
Rather than dealing with my loss and pain- I decided to bury myself in work- I wrote almost constantly- for one client or another- pushing sometimes almost 60 hours a week- Deadline after deadline, never missing one.
Then in late 2011, I realized that I had never taken the time to deal with the loss when a dear friend almost died (thankfully she didn’t), but again- I kept moving forward- after all, life pauses for no one.
In 2012- I hit a brick wall and it wasn’t pretty. That’s what happens when you don’t deal with things that need to be dealt with- they find a way of manifesting and showing up – getting worse and worse until you have to.
I’ll admit- that was a very very difficult year for me- for many reasons- I felt broken, but I didn’t even begin to understand how to pick up the pieces. I had people around me telling me to ‘move forward’ and so forth- Well meaning people, but at the same time- One thing had become several and I was not dealing with things the only way I knew how- and that was by busying myself with other things.
While my life is and has always been a good and blessed life- I do know without a doubt that when we don’t work through what needs to be worked through- we lose ourselves- things manifest, and in my case it manifested in my emotional eating- something I ‘thought’ I’d finally beaten in 2008 when I lost 100 pounds-
I stopped writing- I started eating- and here I am in 2019 and have gained half of what I lost-
For the past couple of years I really couldn’t figure out my ‘why’ I couldn’t get my head in the right place- but after much soul searching and actually pausing long enough to really think about what was holding me back- I realized that as an empath- I MUST take time to process, to heal, to give things a place. Granted- it’s something we all should do, but I believe when you are an empath- it’s a different type of process, something I suspect only other empaths will be able to comprehend.
The important thing here is that I realized a few things-
- I stopped writing- not only that- I couldn’t write- for the life of me- I couldn’t seem to gather my thoughts for many things- and dealing with my own deepest thoughts seemed to be so far away they were no longer within my reach.
- I realized in the last six months that I’ve had some people in my life who want to hold me back from being me- I didn’t see it at first, but it came with subtleties that eventually became crystal clear when passive aggressive comments would be made.
I started feeling massive anxiety again- the sign- that once again something needs to be dealt with- I know that many people live with daily anxiety- but for me- anxiety manifests when there is something that I’m not dealing with or that I need to press pause on life to deal with.
At the time- I chalked it up to a breast cancer scare last year (thankfully all was ok), plus a few other things that happened in my life, but not taking the time to fully process and deal with them.
Then I realized that one of the things I no longer did- that always brought me joy was writing. My promise to myself was that I would start writing again. But even that has taken until mid – March to actually happen- today to be exact.
It’s odd to me how sometimes things in life have to get to a certain point before we can take a genuine inventory of ourselves and realize that in order to continue living the life we were meant to live- that we have to: be still with ourselves long enough to find what is tripping us up- find a way to work through it- and be able to put ourselves first, above all others, which in some cases is hard, especially when you are a people lover like me and try to be there for those when they need an ear.
Last week- I was away with my husband for the week- I was really looking forward to it- despite dealing with vertigo, but what I didn’t expect was what would happen next- the vertigo made me feel stressed, which in turn increased my heart rate- and it began a cycle of full blown anxiety which had me scared that something horrible was happening to me- It was that bad.
Why? That’s what I kept asking myself- I have lived with vertigo on and off for the past 20 or so years- so why now did it send me into this tailspin? The only thing I can figure is that there was something else going on here- emotionally- but again- we have to get still and sometimes sit with things a while until we are ready to see what is.
Today- again vertigo, but no anxiety. I did fall in the bathtub and it had me needing to reevaluate spending the day out and about tomorrow with one of my favorite people on the planet- I fought myself back and forth on that decision because I’ve been looking forward to the get together for weeks on end- but in the end- I knew I had to make the wise choice- even if it wasn’t the one I wanted to make.
So here I sit- writing and being with myself fully with myself for the first time in a very long time- No Instagram, No Facebook or messages- Just me, my laptop and my thoughts.
What I’ve realized is that somewhere in this road of life- I’ve ‘dealt’ with hard things by carrying on and keeping myself busy with stuff. Don’t get me wrong- my life is a blessed life- I’m grateful for it- I have a loving and supportive family, friends who I have chosen as family-and people I learn from on the daily whose path I cross- or who become friends- That is a huge blessing.
But…. in the essence of being real and learning- I do realize that I need to write- as it’s a way to purge the thoughts- a way to heal and a way for me to fully live the life I want to live. It isn’t a race, it isn’t a competition- it’s simply a journey- part of the life journey where we have choices each day. We can choose to learn and grow- or we can get stuck in the muck and focus on negative etc. That isn’t where I am, nor is it where I want to be- It happens to us all at some point in life- but there is a beauty in learning and continuing to move forward.
Where I am is a place of recognizing and healing from what has given me deep pain and grief- It’s a process- similar to peeling an onion, but I know that it is necessary on the course of continued well being.
The ironic thing is- because I am a positive person, people always have this assumption that I am ok. Granted, if they mention as such to me- I will quickly set them straight that nothing in life is perfect- and that I definitely have struggles just like the next person, but it amazes me how we get these preconceived notions about people. I know it is ok to not always be ok- but we also need to let people know that- Social media has so much projection of perfect lives that not everyone understands that we choose to share positive, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t bad days- there are- The good- will always outweigh the bad though- as there is something to be grateful for in all days- even the ones we deem as ‘the worst’.
As for me- this is a beginning- the beginning of me learning how to show up for myself the way I show up for everyone else in my life- it’s a gift I’m giving myself- the gift of healing and of sharing my thoughts- how random they may be- Life is a beautiful, messy, spectacular place- and I want to fully live the best life I can- so this is where my new story begins..