Through The Tulips Words of 'Wiz'dom

June 28, 2021

On Fear- Stepping Outside of the Comfort Zone and Growth

Filed under: Uncategorized — gardener @ 6:37 am

As many who know me know- the last few years sent my cortisol levels into overdrive- several points along that journey, I was so ‘on alert’ that I could tell the moment my heart rate raised above 80 bpm & it would send me into a panic. It was also that time when I would become so overwhelmed that my stress and cortisol response was to ‘walk it out’, which was good- but at the same time- because I really wasn’t aware of where I was going, only that I was going- my therapist at the time suggested I not go places alone- as if something (which at that time could have been anything at all, with no rhyme or reason) triggered me I may put myself inadvertently in danger.

Because of that reason, for months- I didn’t go places alone until I felt as though I had the capacity mentally to handle little surprises that may happen-

During that time- an opportunity arose that I didn’t want to miss, It meant a lot for me professionally- plus personally- and even though it meant going against the therapists wishes- I did it anyway. It was a stretch for me- and at that particular point in time outside of my comfort zone (what normally wouldn’t be). It ended up being one of the most soul filling days that entire year and I was so grateful I took the leap of faith- listened to my gut and did it.

It was the beginning of my cortisol and fear/anxiety levels returning to normal. .. Until they didn’t….

Enter the pandemic and so many other factors that once again tested me both mentally and physically- As someone who is always open to learning and growing- I will admit that I fell into a pit of sadness and feeling as though I was doomed to feel this way forever- constant alert, sadeness and waiting for the other shoe to drop. .. and sometimes it did.

The only thing is- it didn’t serve me. Not at all- Instead, it created a downward spiral of stress, sadness, anxiety- and combined with my extroverted empath self being unable to have the usual face-to-face contact with people as I had grown accustomed to- I felt alone (although i knew that wasn’t true) and extremely anxious.

Walking and being in nature helped immensely- but when I hurt my knee- (while doing a round of Whole 30, I might add), plus lost two people that I loved within a week of each other- I really didn’t know how I would come out on the other side.

Again- my cortisol levels went into fight or flight mode- and my stress was on high alert screaming from the rooftops. I couldn’t get out and do my usual walking- so I turned to the elliptical-plus started spending more time away from the computer- and I started reading again.

What I failed to mention was that during the time of the death of the two people I love- I had a potential opportunity arise- and while I did not expect to be chosen- I knew the experience would be good for me- so I decided to push through and submit by the deadline.

I continued to work on myself- work through all that was causing me pain- and step by step I have started feeling better. Am I ‘there’ yet- No, but I will always be a work in process.. I do feel one step closer each day.

As life would have it- I received noticed that I was chosen for a project- of which I can not mention what it is due to signing a NDA. It is a huge opportunity for me- professionally- yet also extremely scary- yet here I am- I decided to accept and I’m currently working my way through said project- and toggling between feeling like I’m not qualified (not true) and feeling that it’s going to be OK- and I know it will. Even though I’m nervous- and anxious at times- I also know that in the end- It’s going to be good- and I will have learned so much- and for that I’m grateful.

June 27, 2021

The Little Things…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — gardener @ 9:37 am

For as long as I can remember- I’ve believed that when we focus on something- it expands. Sometimes it is as simple as thinking about said thing- and in some form or another it will appear in your life.

As a not-so-glamorous example- Last night I was thinking… It had been a while since my cat had thrown up, which I was (note: past tense ) grateful for. It literally crossed my thoughts and left as quickly as it entered and yet- this morning at 6 am- guess who threw up on the bed? You guessed it.

My first thought was- try never to think about the cat throwing up again.

But there are also beautiful things that happen along this same line- but it is so important to not only be aware of what we put out into the world- but also be specific when it’s something we wish for.

It’s no secret if you know me in my daily life- that The Wizard of Oz is one of my all time favorite movies. As a child- I didn’t see the deeply rooted significance about Dorothy Gale from Kansas and how her technicolor trip to Oz via tornado taught her one of life’s biggest lessons- We always have the power, but at first we have to believe it.

There is a scene in the movie where the Wicked Witch casts a spell over them to fall asleep in a field of poppys as they are on their way to see the Great and powerful Oz. As a small girl, that was the first time I ever saw a poppy, television or otherwise and I was drawn to the deep beautiful red color. Since Poppies aren’t native to the Deep South- it wasn’t until the early 90’s before I saw poppies for the first time in Southern California on a hillside- it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.

Fast forward to many years later- This time of the years the poppies appear across the countryside here- growing wild and their beautiful color joy inducing. Last year- in the midst of the pandemic- the garden became the place we met a few friends and we poured a lot of time and energy into beginning to turn it into a beautiful oasis of peace and rest. Last year I noticed a few mauve poppies in the garden, and yet I couldn’t help but wish for more- and also the red beautiful poppies I loved so much.

This spring- as I was clearing weeds after much rainfall- I noticed a few plants growing at al alarming speed and dwarfing my already struggling hydrangeas that a friend gave me last year when she redid her own garden. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it looked like ‘something’ so I decided to let it grow and see what it became. The following day- I noticed another of the same type of plant opposite of that one- also in the ‘way’ of other plants that had been placed there intentionally. I left it to grow and for weeks it kept getting taller, but it seemed to be doing ‘nothing’. I was at the point where I had become impatient with it- as it wasn’t the most beautiful of greenery and I noticed a small bud, which compelled me to look closer- and from there I saw many blooms. Over the weeks that followed the blooms multiplied at a fast pace and I knew from the first bloom it was a poppy plant- both of them. A different variety than the mauve ones, but ones that were most likely to be red.

Indeed- as they began to bloom- I smiled & even cried on one occasion- in awe that nature- all these years later had given me my very own poppy ‘field’ one that I didn’t plant, but that ‘showed up’.

As the time went along- other poppies appeared- the mauve variants all over the garden in random spots- They never once fail to make me smile.

Last week I saw a deep fuschia poppy somewhere else- and smiled having never seen that color before and loving it. Today- one of that exact color was blooming in my garden.

Coincidence? I think not-

It’s a reminder that I need to remember that where my focus is- so am I- and how after the past couple of years of struggling and having so much heartache and heartbreak that I have to refocus and know that life is not perfect, but it gives us tiny little gifts each day to fill our hearts- and those are worth noticing.

June 25, 2021

The Forever Student

Filed under: Uncategorized — gardener @ 8:51 am

I once had someone tell me that she felt she had everything together in her life and that nothing could be more perfect. She had learned everything she needed to know and would carry that with her the rest of her life. It was during what I would consider to be a authentic conversation up until that point- but upon hearing those words I paused… I first thought to myself- Have I missed the boat along the road somewhere because I knew I had nowhere near all the ‘know how’ to get me through the rest of my life, so how could anyone else.

I remember asking her about it- and she was talking to a point of what appeared to be arrogance & I remember saying that I would never have it all together- never have learned everything- because life was always teaching me something- I remember her look- as though she somehow pitied me- which puzzled me, because I really felt this was how life was- it had been my constant experience- learn- grow- fall down- get back up- hurt- really hurt- learn to deal and heal- sometimes deny- but said somethings would show up again until – feel- deal- learn and heal. Repeat. Repeat- student of life- That’s me in a nutshell- good, bad, ugly and sometimes really ugly,

Several years later and the person finally admitted that they were pretending to be what they weren’t so their likability factor would increase. Since I couldn’t relate as I am the total opposite end of that spectrum- I simply said- Love yourself and accept yourself and the right people will be in your life- the right people will always find you enough- but that has to start from within. It wasn’t too long after that we lost contact- but my biggest wish is to see everyone living a life that they thrive and learn in.

Coming out on the other side of this pandemic- I’ve realized that I have a long way to go to feel as though i’m in balance again. I keep working hard at it daily- and more often than not I do feel as progress is being made, albeit slowly (which I’m fine with), yet some days- Like today, I wake up and feel like I’ve taken 20 steps backwards. It’s on those days that I have to give myself the kindness I need and yet it’s on those days when it’s the most difficult. A lesson perhaps that I need to keep revisiting until I learn that everything is a work in progress and even when it feels like things are balancing out, there is still work to be done. For some- it may bring frustration- for me- I feel as though I’m collecting precious keys that I can carry along my life journey- ones that will open doors at exactly the right moment. Doors I don’t even know exist right now- but things are working in my favor simply for being present and willing to learn.

June 24, 2021

For the Love of Mental Health

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , , — gardener @ 7:32 am

While I believe that physical health is extremely important- for me, I’ve learned that mental health has to come first, which I know can be difficult for many of us- in a world where thinking of ‘self’ tends to lend more of selfish note- which of course in turn creates shame and in turn mental health suffers on top of that.

I have learned to ignore any shame projections when I say I can’t do something because I have a date with myself- There was a time in the not so distant past where I wouldn’t do that. I would put ‘me’ on hold any time someone would need something, which meant I would be giving, yet not giving myself time to replenish and restore. I’ve since learned better, but that has not been an easy lesson to learn, and if I’m being completely honest- it’s something I have to be vigilant about, otherwise I’ll fall into the trappings of letting my restorative time go in place of helping someone else or checking something off the ‘to do’ list.

For years I’ve had a huge aversion to the word ‘busy’ as it has become a word that for some gleams importance and to be doing ‘nothing’ in some circles seemed as something that was as foreign as walking into the streets of a country you’d never been to and hearing a language you’ve never heard.

Truth is- we all have our idea of what busy is and for years I actively described it myself as being productive as that’s what society suggested it was, yet- as I sit here typing this- surrounded by sheets of paper for a project I’m working on, a vintage cookbook, a dog who is letting me know that it’s time to take a walk, a few dishes that need to be washed, plus a book that is calling to be read- they are all things I can busy myself with- some essential (I’m looking at you JJ the pup & dishes), and some that are deadline related (hello papers), plus some that are fun and restorative to my soul- such as tapping these letters out on the keyboard and thinking about the book that I’m going to curl up with once I’ve done the things above.

All of these things are and can be coined as busy- yet, because they are all things I love, including the work project, dishes and walking the dog- they are also restorative and I file them in the ‘self care’ category. Writing again- after years of not really sharing my soul on paper- is something I was missing for my own mental health. It helps me process, plus it gives me something to refer to in the future when I need a reminder of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come

What do you do for your own mental health?

Here are a few things that I’ve done today for me- some are small, but all matter to me.

  • Walked home from the grocery store. 20 minutes-
  • Spent 30 minutes on the elliptical.
  • Made myself a cappuccino for the first time in a very long time. Sat in silence and enjoyed every sip.
  • Listened to the sound of the birds and watched bees flitting from one flower to the next.
  • Listened to Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us Podcast where she is doing a Sisters summer series on the Gifts of Imperfection book.

I’ve owned the book for years- and I’m going to start rereading it again. I took Brene’s Whole Hearted Inventory from the Gifts of Imperfection (it can be found on the Brene Brown website) and I already have seen areas that I need to be working harder on- which are also areas where I have fallen back over the past couple of years when life has been filled with a lot of dark times.

Always a work in progress. Always learning- Always Grateful.

June 23, 2021

Through Peaks and Valleys

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — gardener @ 7:07 am

Like many of us- the past couple of years have been a struggle to say the least & I am no exception. Despite the misconception that I live a ‘charmed & perfect’ life, (What does that even mean?) the reality is that because of the love I feel for humanity & my empath, plus sensitive soul- the valleys can seem almost unbearable. Did I mention that I was also an Extrovert? It’s a rare combination, indeed that I accept simply because it’s how I was created and that in itself is a gift & what is the point of fighting against, what is??

I don’t believe my experiences or struggles are any more or less than another- How we all deal with heartache and triumphs- loss and love is personal to us & our life lens- As someone who is eternally curious- I’m always trying to understand the ‘why’ of everything- and the lessons and blessings through it all. Sometimes that is extremely difficult- and that’s been the last few years for me.

There have been times, especially in the last few years- pre pandemic- when I would feel completely untethered and as if I was alone in a world where no one got me, which generally I’m fine with- until people I have known and loved would actually dismiss my thoughts and feelings, and actually try to shame me for thinking and being the way I am, rather than attempting to understand or to learn from each other.

At one point I started questioning myself- which of course is what happens when you’ve been gaslighted time and time again, you question yourself. Which personally I do believe is ok- as it helps us stay honest with ourselves, but as someone who likes to understand how and why people think, believe, feel the way they do- It was interesting to realize that people I have known my entire life- looked up to and admired in some cases, maybe weren’t the people that I had thought.

This created a lot of uncertainty in my life- as I struggled to comprehend how not everyone was interested in hearing any opinion other than their own- and having authentic conversations became a lost art in many- and quite honestly, it was heartbreaking to see.

Enter the pandemic & everything seemed to be magnified- and I spent a lot of time in nature at the garden, which in itself is immensely healing, yet at the same time- there were days when all I could do was cry at the injustices happening in front of our very eyes- and yet, so many wore blinders and would not have a conversation regarding said injustices- rather chose to gaslight- and in some cases outright lie.

Conversations with both strangers and friends were my saving grace- the door to understanding. My best conversations happened with my life long friend- as we both are so parallel in our thinking- and we could try to rationalize how some couldn’t see what was blatantly obvious for us.

Over time- a lot of learning, unlearning and research later- I’ve drawn the conclusion, that not everyone wants the aforementioned in their lives- as they are fine with their complacency & it didn’t make them ‘bad’ people, it meant they were content with the status quo and as difficult as that was for me- I learned to comprehend it and find a space in the middle of holding ground for what isn’t black and white- but simply a matter of it not being possible to change what one can’t acknowledge- so if, for example- one doesn’t believe white privilege is real, then there is nothing I could say or do to make them see that- as their experiences haven’t given them the moment to expand their thought process.

So the pandemic year has been all about growing for me- I’ve had to learn to let go of what I have recently learned as a huge stumbling block in my life- the moments of being shamed in my lifetime for thinking and feeling different than what someone else deemed as a societal norm. I have accepted those little ‘well meaning’ moments of shame and allowed them to hold me back from my potential- Truth is- I never realized it until this year- as it had always been a conundrum to me- and now- because I can see that- I can also learn from it and overcome. It may have taken me more than 50 years, but it gives me great insight to what drives certain parts of me- and that in itself is a gift that I’m grateful to have received.

One thing I stopped doing in the midst of all the valleys and dark days was I stopped writing- In fact, I haven’t felt compelled to write regularly until just recently & it is a wonderful feeling to be able to articulate on ‘black and white’ what has been living within my soul for so long. A release of sorts, and so cathartic.

These huge valleys have taught me so much, but they have not been without immense pain and suffering. Some of which I did in silence, and some I shared with a few close friends and even a few strangers. One of the many things I’ve learned is that some only want to be your friend when great and fun things are happening- and yet when the storms hit- they tend to disappear. They want the ‘fun’ and ‘joyous’ me- yet I’m a complete package- as is the same with all of us. For those who have been there- I’m eternally grateful- and this journey continues.

I know that each valley- each tear- each bout with anxiety- almost unbearable sadness and deep loss have not been for nothing- because each has brought its own life lesson & none are permanent as long as I am still breathing and moving- and as I begin climbing the mountain with all it’s steep inclines- I have learned to press pause and take a moment and enjoy the view and be grateful for now- as it’s all we really have.

Powered by WordPress