As many who know me know- the last few years sent my cortisol levels into overdrive- several points along that journey, I was so ‘on alert’ that I could tell the moment my heart rate raised above 80 bpm & it would send me into a panic. It was also that time when I would become so overwhelmed that my stress and cortisol response was to ‘walk it out’, which was good- but at the same time- because I really wasn’t aware of where I was going, only that I was going- my therapist at the time suggested I not go places alone- as if something (which at that time could have been anything at all, with no rhyme or reason) triggered me I may put myself inadvertently in danger.
Because of that reason, for months- I didn’t go places alone until I felt as though I had the capacity mentally to handle little surprises that may happen-
During that time- an opportunity arose that I didn’t want to miss, It meant a lot for me professionally- plus personally- and even though it meant going against the therapists wishes- I did it anyway. It was a stretch for me- and at that particular point in time outside of my comfort zone (what normally wouldn’t be). It ended up being one of the most soul filling days that entire year and I was so grateful I took the leap of faith- listened to my gut and did it.
It was the beginning of my cortisol and fear/anxiety levels returning to normal. .. Until they didn’t….
Enter the pandemic and so many other factors that once again tested me both mentally and physically- As someone who is always open to learning and growing- I will admit that I fell into a pit of sadness and feeling as though I was doomed to feel this way forever- constant alert, sadeness and waiting for the other shoe to drop. .. and sometimes it did.
The only thing is- it didn’t serve me. Not at all- Instead, it created a downward spiral of stress, sadness, anxiety- and combined with my extroverted empath self being unable to have the usual face-to-face contact with people as I had grown accustomed to- I felt alone (although i knew that wasn’t true) and extremely anxious.
Walking and being in nature helped immensely- but when I hurt my knee- (while doing a round of Whole 30, I might add), plus lost two people that I loved within a week of each other- I really didn’t know how I would come out on the other side.
Again- my cortisol levels went into fight or flight mode- and my stress was on high alert screaming from the rooftops. I couldn’t get out and do my usual walking- so I turned to the elliptical-plus started spending more time away from the computer- and I started reading again.
What I failed to mention was that during the time of the death of the two people I love- I had a potential opportunity arise- and while I did not expect to be chosen- I knew the experience would be good for me- so I decided to push through and submit by the deadline.
I continued to work on myself- work through all that was causing me pain- and step by step I have started feeling better. Am I ‘there’ yet- No, but I will always be a work in process.. I do feel one step closer each day.
As life would have it- I received noticed that I was chosen for a project- of which I can not mention what it is due to signing a NDA. It is a huge opportunity for me- professionally- yet also extremely scary- yet here I am- I decided to accept and I’m currently working my way through said project- and toggling between feeling like I’m not qualified (not true) and feeling that it’s going to be OK- and I know it will. Even though I’m nervous- and anxious at times- I also know that in the end- It’s going to be good- and I will have learned so much- and for that I’m grateful.