Through The Tulips Words of 'Wiz'dom

Here we are, the last day of the month of July- aka birthday month for me. It is hard to believe that as I sit typing this- it’s a cool 63 degrees, windy, with the threat of rain. Yet- despite the non summer feel to the air- I am content. I feel as though Mother Nature thus far has gifted me with the perfect summer temperatures- not too warm, simply my ideal temps. For that I am grateful & my hope is the rest of the summer reflects these same temps and also with some time to have a BBQ or two in the garden.

How can I begin to talk about how beautiful this month has been? After the last two years of so much pain, loss and still being in the process of healing- I finally have my joy back. It doesn’t mean that I’ll never have pain or loss again, as I know in the journey of life there is an ebb and flow, there is no constant, yet the important part is to give ourselves space to do what we need in that moment & sometimes that’s to sit still.

This month started with an amazing opportunity that I am still pinching myself about and finding it difficult to believe it is real. I can’t say a lot about it- other than I may not actually believe it until I physically see it. But it can mean something more for me in the long term- which has me realizing that it’s time to make some shifts in my life. Again.

Ironically- it falls in alignment with the changes I have already been making, and while some of it is scary- it’s exciting at the same time.

So I got everything submitted a few days before the deadline and I am excited at the possibilities.

My birthday- what can I even say about that- I spent a morning with Anna and Bobbi pre birthday- Marcel surprised me with the lemon vase I’ve been drooling over for years- I spent a weekend at TH with Desere, with a surprise visit from Lisa and Ray, which was filled with relaxation and soul filling laughter.

The highlight of my birthday was the celebration on the boat- charcuterie- with Niki, Lisa, Desere and the guys. It was filled with laughter, beautiful sights, a little rain (which had us docked under a bridge enjoying dinner) and was charming in and of itself. A little indulgence and a purely blissful evening. Those moments are the ones that I appreciate more than anything now after all the time of being apart and being unable to hug. It was absolutely wonderful to actually hug again.

Cruising past the Zaanse Schanse- simply being in the moment with some of my favorite people and enjoying every second. It’s definitely a birthday experience for the record books and one I would love to repeat this summer- if possible.

I spent a couple of mornings at the beach at Aloha – partaking in Appeltaart and good conversation with Desere.

Despite thinking I wasn’t going to have a birthday cake- in the end- I did- and made the cake that started it all for me- the Chocolate cake- with chocolate icing- It’s rich, indulgent and pure chocolate perfection. It is the cake that I first made from scratch- the cake that I won best of .. in at the county fair at a young age and competing with the adults. I shared it with Sylvia and Shari- who I had the honor of spending the day with at the beach- and being present when Shari spread some of her dads ashes in the North Sea. It was a beautiful moment- and I was honored she wanted us there in that moment of honoring a man we have never met.

I’ve eaten a lot of gelato from my favorite spot- and today will be the last day of that- then I’ll go back to less indulgent and more healthier options. After all- can’t live on gelato alone.

August promises to be beautiful- With new opportunities- and also I am closing this month full of optimism for the new month. That my body will continue to reward me for taking care of it- my knee pain will continue to subside and I will continue to be surrounded with amazing people, plus be open to meeting new people and experiences.

That love, kindness and acceptance will rule.

Some doors begin to close and yet because there is no rhyme or reason to the why- we tend to want to keep them open- maybe because they mean more to us than they do the others, Maybe it’s because life carries us all on different journeys and the flow changes for us all.

The pandemic has shifted a lot for me- From deep within- Making me realizes that some of the friendships I had were only friendships when I was staying in alignment with what someone else felt I needed to be doing- It’s not the way to live and yet, we tend to fall into the trappings time and time again.

As someone who loves people, it sometimes throws me off guard when someone suddenly choses to walk away. Someone I felt was a friend… Life- is sometimes painful.

Sometimes we need to step back- allow doors to close which are meant to close- leaving room for opportunities and sometimes- we will find if and when the time is right- those same people may find their way back into our lives.

or not- either way- letting go leaves space for new opportunities- and pain- is part of the process in life

…. Guess who’s back from her soul vacation? That would be me- a weekend in the middle of nature- where nothing was on the agenda, but rather seeing where the day took us- Relaxing-laughing- and simply being. It was exactly what I needed to come home feeling inspired and motivated for the last week of celebration month and easing into this next chapter that I am working on beginning.

Many changes are happening- yet I feel as though despite a few disappointments here and there- and having to learn to let a few things go- realizing it also has opened up other doors that may not have otherwise happened. Life is full of those moments and I’m learning to embrace them now more than ever- as it presents new doors & daring to step through them- knowing that I deserve them and surrounding myself with those who believe the same- Who want to encourage and see me at my best, the way I want the same for everyone.

It’s a learning process- but I am grateful for the lessons along the way-

So grateful and open for the beautiful things to come.

Its my birthday month and I have been enjoying more treats than usual and as I told a friend earlier- I’m enjoying things in moderation and yet I know as this upcoming week passes that I want to slow down and stop being so indulgent- plus kick up my work outs a bit-

I don’t get on the scale- because I know that ultimately if I make the right choices- the rest will fall into place. I’ve been trying to limit my stress and stay hydrated. Next weekend will be the end of the indulgent period for me and then I’ll get even more serious about staying true to my plan and losing and toning.

There are many roads to Rome and they don’t all have to be the straight and narrow- sometimes we take the path to enjoy ourselves and eventually get back on track.

That’s me right now. I’m grateful for life- and the people in it.

Sometimes life lessons we don’t get the first time or sometimes even the second. The great thing about life lessons or things we need to work through or heal is that they will continue to manifest until we ‘get it’. If we don’t get it- then we will continue to meet them again and again.

Learning isn’t linear- It isn’t a one-size-fits-all & like most roads we travel, there are always more routes to meet the destination.

Sometimes when I finally ‘get’ one thing- I find myself being confronted with something else I need to learn- Today for example- My back has been hurting and I’m fairly certain that it is related to me spending too much time with my phone in the hand- Yet here I sit- typing away-

In fact- just typing these words made me shake my head in disbelief that I’m not caring more for myself- so I’ll close this and carry on- and hopefully learn that some things can wait- but health can’t.

I was thinking earlier about difficult conversations and how so many of us run from them. I often wonder, as someone who has been known to start difficult conversations, but also put myself out there to be asked difficult questions how others may feel when such conversations are approached.

I recently was presented with a situation with someone I know- and without going into detail- I was given some information that many would have probably talked about behind the persons back, but not confronted them with it. It was extremely delicate and without going into detail- I knew that I couldn’t pretend I didn’t know. I reached out and asked to talk to them- and we did. The conversation was hard, definitely for me- but even more so for them. I did my best to approach it gently and with as much love and compassion as I have. There was no judgement on my part, but I know the person felt it awkward, because had the roles been reversed I certainly would have.

But it makes me curious as to how others handle difficult conversations? I ‘try’ (key word there) not to judge anyone when I don’t understand or agree with something, but rather try to have a conversation. I know that pain and shame runs deep and more often than not- people tend to shut down difficult conversations when it requires them to stretch their thinking process outside of the norm.

While I may not agree- and I may even find myself frustrated (which I know to ask myself why and dig deeper within when I do) I am always open to an authentic conversation. It doesn’t mean everyone is & that has everything to do with themselves and not me.

Food for thought for myself- and my own personal research is to ask others what is their first reaction when asked a difficult question that is going to lead into a possible difficult and uncomfortable conversation?

“She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful.” – Terri St Cloud

Happy eve of my 54th birthday. As I sit typing this- there is a cup of chai beside me to sip on as I type. The doors and windows are open and the sounds of the birds chirping brings a certain comfort that is difficult to put into words. The voices of nature- The house is quiet & I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the last year- a gift to give myself- a love letter, if you will. Something to tuck away, and God willing to read again next year on my birthday.

The aforementioned quote is the catalyst for this letter to myself. I had been tossing around the idea, after the last few years have been life altering, not only for me, but for so many others. I have learned a lot, not only about myself, but also how I view others.

Looking back on the past year, I see details that weren’t always pretty. A little over a year ago I decided to give myself the gift of starting a regular exercise plan in order to take better care of myself. Spending time in the garden with the few friends I saw during the high point of the pandemic & exercising were what kept me semi-sane, but yet as someone who feels deeply, seeing others suffer, being discriminated against, being mistreated by what I thought to be good people was almost too much.

I cried a lot of tears on my elliptical and walking sessions- had a lot of conversations- did a lot of learning and also unlearning in some cases.

It took a long time, but I finally realized that there is no way people can see what somehow doesn’t resonate with them & because so much dehumanization has been taking place, it is he first step to people losing compassion and empathy for their fellow man- who may have a different experience than their own. It was a bitter pill to swallow.

At the same time- it was one that was necessary for me to see, cry, sometimes scream & feel completely untethered from so much- so I could learn & stretch and ultimately grow.

People are far more driven from their unhealed past than they realize. Shame is a huge factor and there are some who simply don’t want to see others do well- because of their own insecurities. It isn’t about you, Lori.

I came to the realization & with a lot of grief attached that some of the people I have had in my life wanted me to ‘do well’ on their terms as long as it fit into their image- and I wasn’t ‘too’ much.

I would hear- This is one of the things I love so much about you ,,,,,, but

or Don’t share this- it will make people think you are being arrogant or showy-

Don’t say that- it’s controversial-

and the list goes on

What the hard realization was- is that those little seeds kept me from fully being me & leaning into my own potential.

Shame and toxic positivity are two things I learned a lot about- and continuing to learn and work on myself- I’ve also learned what isn’t acceptable to me anymore.

I won’t be less than who I am to make someone else feel comfortable.

I won’t deny my potential or downplay my talents. I’ll be me- good bad and ugly.

I will have hard conversations not only with others but also myself-

I will listen more- and continue to strive to be a good friend.

I won’t stop loving people just as I do.

I’ll still live life in technicolor rainbows of love and acceptance of others.

I’ll stay curious.

and when things get difficult, I’ll remember that I can do much harder things than I realized and when I feel as though I’ve lost my joy due to an abundance of pain- to continue to focus on the little things & on being grateful and gifted another day.

Love yourself first-

This afternoon I was working on my birthday playlist after listening to Brene Brown and sisters on Unlocking Us Podcast and the words Hints, Allegations and Things Left Unsaid came to mind. I knew that it was the name of an CD that I once owned, but I could no longer remember which band it was.

A quick Spotify search reminded me that it was from Collective Soul and the first song when I looked it up was one of my favorites from them & the reason I actually bought the CD in the first place- Shine. A reminder (at least for me) to continue to shine and don’t worry about anything from the dark shadows of those who don’t want what is best for you out of pure envy and inability to live their own best life.

For a long time I’ve allowed others insecurities to hold me back- No more.

I want to continue not only growing, but also thriving in the coming months- and year- If the last two years have taught me anything- it’s been how fragile and precious life is and the importance of treasuring every single moment.

This week is my birthday week. Even though I do celebrate in small ways each day the entire month of July- I have learned so much over the last few years. I know that’s the point of life- or at least that’s how I see it- yet something I continue to be reminded and learn is that different people with different experiences and life lens love and see love very differently.

I’ve also realized that many people wrap their self worth in external validation. In social media likes, in praises from others. It’s something I’ve never understood- although I know we all have the desire to know we are being seen and heard, to have our validation as human beings wrapped up in that information is as foreign to me as trying to read Greek.

So many of us tend to judge what we don’t understand- rather than extending compassion, love and understanding. Being open- has taught me that I don’t have to understand to be willing to learn and hear another perspective. It is how we genuinely get to know each other-

Life has been fully of these expansion moments the past few years- and at one point in May- I called my mom in tears saying that I didn’t want to love anyone any longer, simply because I was tired of losing people I loved. I felt at that time as though I had lost all of the joy I usually carried with me everywhere- delighting in the simplicity of the beauty life has to offer. I remember mom saying that it would come back and while logically that seemed true, it has taken a while, but I’m almost there. Rather than focusing on the fact that I felt no joy- I continued to find tiny things in each day that would generally bring me joy, even if I couldn’t ‘feel’ it at the moment. Eventually, little by little the joy has returned, as I have worked on myself and learned more about me and others. Currently- I’m filled with joy as I can look up from the laptop and see my dog sleeping on the floor- his front legs crossed, lying on his side and a gentle snore coming from his mouth. He feels safe, comfortable, at peace and loved. It’s the best place to be.

Today and tomorrow I’m grateful for the lessons that have expanded my heart muscle and given it yet more room to love.

Last night I went to bed a little after midnight realizing it was officially S’s birthday and thinking about our friendship over the years.

We have shared a lot over the years- through good times, bad times, a lot of laughter and sometimes tears. She has always been the logical one when my emotions get the best of me and has the power to snap me ‘out of my head’ when I can go down a rabbit hole of emotion.

She has always been the one to encourage me, tell me when she thinks I’m making a crazy choice and cheers me one like no other. We genuinely want nothing but the best for each other and celebrate every accomplishment.

She’s my forever friend and my life is brighter because she’s in it. It’s only fitting that celebration month also means celebrating everything about her too!

Happy Birthday S. I love you and can’t wait until our next travel adventure together.