Through The Tulips Words of 'Wiz'dom

Repost from Simply Wizardress

There are things in life that happen that I grasp to understand, even though I know that I never will. Yesterdays phone call from mom, is one of those things.

I always know when my mom is calling with bad news- there’s something different in her voice- the tone, something that tells me in spite of the small talk, that there’s something much larger, less pleasant looming on the horizon. Yesterday when mom called, that was the voice I heard.

I knew that I was about to hear something unpleasant, but it’s in those moments that I try to tell myself that maybe, just maybe I hear the tone wrong, and that she’s just calling to chat and hear about my day of shopping with Desere and the boys. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case, and there was tragic news to follow.

It’s difficult for my mom to make these calls. I know it is, because she knows how emotional I am, and how hard it is for me being here and everyone else being there. She also knows that as difficult as it is, that I DO want her to make the call, rather than keep me in the dark not knowing what’s happening back home.

With that being said, this is the most difficult part of living in a place where you can’t be ‘home’ in a few moments, because home is somewhere else, much further away.

Where do I begin… I suppose the beginning, although this is the end..

Yesterday morning mom received a phone call from her oldest brother, who is married to my friend Carol. Technically, Carol is my aunt, but for close to 19 years, we were much more than relatives, we were best friends. Over the past few years, with me moving out of the area, and both of us taking different life paths, we aren’t as close as we once were, but we still see each other when Marcel and I are home for the holidays.

For many years, her family was an extension of my own family. I shared holidays with her parents and siblings, and remember many BBQ’s at their home during the summer. I remember too many good times to count.

Denny (my uncle), told mom that Carols dad had been recently diagnosed with lung cancer. As mom was telling me, I could feel my heart sinking, as I was seeing yet another person affected by this horrible disease, cancer.

I started firing questions at mom right away, and I could tell by the tone of her voice that there was more. She said she didn’t know the details, but proceeded to tell me that JB had gone into the bathroom, curled up on the floor and died. The sickening feeling in my stomach got worse, and I started again asking questions, about the cancer, and then it hit me….

I said, “Mom, did JB die, or did he take his own life?”

“Lori, he took his own life. He laid down in the floor, put a gun in his mouth, and pulled the trigger.”

Even reading this, it doesn’t seem real. It makes me sick for the family, and for poor Jane who found him lying on the bathroom floor. When I close my eyes, I envision what she walked in to, and I feel like someone has kicked me in the stomach. These are the things horror movies are made of. I can’t begin to imagine what she’s going through- what all of them are going through.

Tears, they continue to fall- one moment I’m ok, and the next something triggers a memory and the floodgates open.

I don’t understand this sort of thing- there are so many people who WANT to live and can’t, and then others who find that they want to ‘play God’ and take their own lives, leaving a world of pain for those left behind. It makes me angry- Carol is a mess, and I believe I know her well enough to know that she’ll somehow feel as though she could have saved him, and will spin into a depression from the guilt. She has two other siblings, and I’m unsure how they’ll cope. Jane (his wife) seems ok, but I have a feeling that the reality hasn’t sunk in.

I pray for all of them during this tragic time. My heart breaks for them, and I wish that there was something I could do, but there isn’t. The funeral is today. They decided to have the funeral and ‘wake’ (as we call it in the South) all in one day…. my prayers are with them.

Part of me also wants to scream. It makes me want to scream out and ask WHY people do these sort of things.. I know that some people don’t want to suffer, and don’t want to have to ‘deal’ with going through chemo and treatments of cancer, but then again WHO DOES????? I don’t think it’s anything that ANY of us want to go through, but to put your family through so much more is beyond my realm of comprehension.

For those of you who sent me emails and notes of concern, I can’t tell you how much your thoughts and prayers mean to me. Please keep the Tanner and Fry family in your prayers if you don’t mind. They need it now more than ever.

I may not write about this again. I have to be able to attempt to make some sort of sense out of it, give it some sort of place, and move forward. This is the place where I chose to do that, and I appreciate you taking the time to read, and for caring.

For those of you who offered an ear, I thank you. I just may need to take you up on that.