Through The Tulips Words of 'Wiz'dom

Yesterday I was having a somewhat difficult day. Technical issues that continue to plague me- and if you know me you know I don’t allow myself to be beaten by tech often. I’m still unsure what the issue is- but I’ll get there eventually.

That along with several other things happening- I felt simply overwhelmed and sad. I know when I’m emotional that I need to take a step back and process. I could feel my cortisol rising and having the stress reaction- a sure sign that I need to get myself in check.

I was actually feeling somewhat down- simply from the burden of everything when I received an email from a project I turned in a while back. It was the completed project and asking me to check everything for edits- and send in by Monday. Seeing my work all completed and how it’s going to appear was absolutely mind blowing to me and I may have shed a tear or two. Immediately I felt a load lifted from my shoulders and I realized that the path my mind was headed down was not the path I needed to be on. I considered this a little reminder from the world around me that my focus was veering and I needed to continue to focus on the beautiful things happening for me in the world.

Today was not much easier- but I felt better on the whole. My perspective was different and so was my focus. I went to my stylist- had a cut and color. Did edits I needed to do and submitted those- plus I have the evening to myself.. Looking forward to quiet, but first a nice bath.

Yesterday I got word that Marcel’s uncle passed away. His aunt’s husband- who had been struggling with dementia and other health issues for a while. It wasn’t unexpected, but at the same time- it is never ‘easy’. Grief isn’t easy. Losing people is simply not easy. Yet, grief is a price we pay for love and despite earlier feelings this year when I lost not only Denny but also a friend within days of each other & I felt not loving would be less painful, I can’t imagine not loving.

I also found out that the day before that- a childhood friend and one of my first ever crushes (and ultimately rejections) passed away due to Covid 19. At 55 years old & unvaccinated. He still had so much life left to lead- had recently got engaged and was planning a life with her. That’s all been taken away from them both and those who loved him are left behind to deal with that ‘what if’s’ that will never be answered. One thing is for sure- more than likely had he gotten the vaccine- he would still be here today. A sad reality of the choices of so many these days- which is also taxing the hospital systems to the max.

I have strong feelings about this- and as someone who always wants to understand the thoughts of someone else and what drives them- this has become something that has been a source of frustration and anger for me. Not something I can change- but I can change how it causes me to react.

As for now- It’s time for me to take some time to process and grieve- as I can feel that I am a bit off kilter.

Today has been a day full of gratitude- some because of little things- and some of bigger things.

After spending more than five hours trying to repair a connectivity issue with the Sonos- I finally fixed it this morning in about 20 minutes. How did I celebrate? I turned the music up on Spotify and I danced it out- I thought about my friends, the people I’ve lost this year and I cried a bit- but in gratitude of having the opportunity to love them all.

Today is also the ten year anniversary of me starting my business, Southern Charm Cupcakes, which started as a way for me to share my love and passion of baking and creating with others- which later evolved into High Teas and catering. It has been one of my life’s greatest joys.

For a while I felt as though I lost my joy and mojo for so many things- including baking, but I have noticed that it’s starting to return and that makes me happy.

For so long I felt as though there was always someone better than me- and I’m sure there is- but at the same time- by feeling that way- I was discrediting my talents and abilities. People would tell me how much they love what I create and the flavor combinations and it would bring me so much joy- yet part of me didn’t feel like I deserved the praise and accolades despite the hard work and effort.

It has only been recently- that I realized that arrogance and confidence are not the same and it’s ok to be thankful and confident about my abilities without being arrogant about them. For me- that is not only freeing but also celebratory.

I am in the process of reworking how my business goes- but one thing is for sure- the base will always be to connect with others. That matters most to me. In both business and life- Real connection.

Stay tuned.

Here we are, the last day of the month of July- aka birthday month for me. It is hard to believe that as I sit typing this- it’s a cool 63 degrees, windy, with the threat of rain. Yet- despite the non summer feel to the air- I am content. I feel as though Mother Nature thus far has gifted me with the perfect summer temperatures- not too warm, simply my ideal temps. For that I am grateful & my hope is the rest of the summer reflects these same temps and also with some time to have a BBQ or two in the garden.

How can I begin to talk about how beautiful this month has been? After the last two years of so much pain, loss and still being in the process of healing- I finally have my joy back. It doesn’t mean that I’ll never have pain or loss again, as I know in the journey of life there is an ebb and flow, there is no constant, yet the important part is to give ourselves space to do what we need in that moment & sometimes that’s to sit still.

This month started with an amazing opportunity that I am still pinching myself about and finding it difficult to believe it is real. I can’t say a lot about it- other than I may not actually believe it until I physically see it. But it can mean something more for me in the long term- which has me realizing that it’s time to make some shifts in my life. Again.

Ironically- it falls in alignment with the changes I have already been making, and while some of it is scary- it’s exciting at the same time.

So I got everything submitted a few days before the deadline and I am excited at the possibilities.

My birthday- what can I even say about that- I spent a morning with Anna and Bobbi pre birthday- Marcel surprised me with the lemon vase I’ve been drooling over for years- I spent a weekend at TH with Desere, with a surprise visit from Lisa and Ray, which was filled with relaxation and soul filling laughter.

The highlight of my birthday was the celebration on the boat- charcuterie- with Niki, Lisa, Desere and the guys. It was filled with laughter, beautiful sights, a little rain (which had us docked under a bridge enjoying dinner) and was charming in and of itself. A little indulgence and a purely blissful evening. Those moments are the ones that I appreciate more than anything now after all the time of being apart and being unable to hug. It was absolutely wonderful to actually hug again.

Cruising past the Zaanse Schanse- simply being in the moment with some of my favorite people and enjoying every second. It’s definitely a birthday experience for the record books and one I would love to repeat this summer- if possible.

I spent a couple of mornings at the beach at Aloha – partaking in Appeltaart and good conversation with Desere.

Despite thinking I wasn’t going to have a birthday cake- in the end- I did- and made the cake that started it all for me- the Chocolate cake- with chocolate icing- It’s rich, indulgent and pure chocolate perfection. It is the cake that I first made from scratch- the cake that I won best of .. in at the county fair at a young age and competing with the adults. I shared it with Sylvia and Shari- who I had the honor of spending the day with at the beach- and being present when Shari spread some of her dads ashes in the North Sea. It was a beautiful moment- and I was honored she wanted us there in that moment of honoring a man we have never met.

I’ve eaten a lot of gelato from my favorite spot- and today will be the last day of that- then I’ll go back to less indulgent and more healthier options. After all- can’t live on gelato alone.

August promises to be beautiful- With new opportunities- and also I am closing this month full of optimism for the new month. That my body will continue to reward me for taking care of it- my knee pain will continue to subside and I will continue to be surrounded with amazing people, plus be open to meeting new people and experiences.

That love, kindness and acceptance will rule.

Some doors begin to close and yet because there is no rhyme or reason to the why- we tend to want to keep them open- maybe because they mean more to us than they do the others, Maybe it’s because life carries us all on different journeys and the flow changes for us all.

The pandemic has shifted a lot for me- From deep within- Making me realizes that some of the friendships I had were only friendships when I was staying in alignment with what someone else felt I needed to be doing- It’s not the way to live and yet, we tend to fall into the trappings time and time again.

As someone who loves people, it sometimes throws me off guard when someone suddenly choses to walk away. Someone I felt was a friend… Life- is sometimes painful.

Sometimes we need to step back- allow doors to close which are meant to close- leaving room for opportunities and sometimes- we will find if and when the time is right- those same people may find their way back into our lives.

or not- either way- letting go leaves space for new opportunities- and pain- is part of the process in life

…. Guess who’s back from her soul vacation? That would be me- a weekend in the middle of nature- where nothing was on the agenda, but rather seeing where the day took us- Relaxing-laughing- and simply being. It was exactly what I needed to come home feeling inspired and motivated for the last week of celebration month and easing into this next chapter that I am working on beginning.

Many changes are happening- yet I feel as though despite a few disappointments here and there- and having to learn to let a few things go- realizing it also has opened up other doors that may not have otherwise happened. Life is full of those moments and I’m learning to embrace them now more than ever- as it presents new doors & daring to step through them- knowing that I deserve them and surrounding myself with those who believe the same- Who want to encourage and see me at my best, the way I want the same for everyone.

It’s a learning process- but I am grateful for the lessons along the way-

So grateful and open for the beautiful things to come.

Its my birthday month and I have been enjoying more treats than usual and as I told a friend earlier- I’m enjoying things in moderation and yet I know as this upcoming week passes that I want to slow down and stop being so indulgent- plus kick up my work outs a bit-

I don’t get on the scale- because I know that ultimately if I make the right choices- the rest will fall into place. I’ve been trying to limit my stress and stay hydrated. Next weekend will be the end of the indulgent period for me and then I’ll get even more serious about staying true to my plan and losing and toning.

There are many roads to Rome and they don’t all have to be the straight and narrow- sometimes we take the path to enjoy ourselves and eventually get back on track.

That’s me right now. I’m grateful for life- and the people in it.

Sometimes life lessons we don’t get the first time or sometimes even the second. The great thing about life lessons or things we need to work through or heal is that they will continue to manifest until we ‘get it’. If we don’t get it- then we will continue to meet them again and again.

Learning isn’t linear- It isn’t a one-size-fits-all & like most roads we travel, there are always more routes to meet the destination.

Sometimes when I finally ‘get’ one thing- I find myself being confronted with something else I need to learn- Today for example- My back has been hurting and I’m fairly certain that it is related to me spending too much time with my phone in the hand- Yet here I sit- typing away-

In fact- just typing these words made me shake my head in disbelief that I’m not caring more for myself- so I’ll close this and carry on- and hopefully learn that some things can wait- but health can’t.

I was thinking earlier about difficult conversations and how so many of us run from them. I often wonder, as someone who has been known to start difficult conversations, but also put myself out there to be asked difficult questions how others may feel when such conversations are approached.

I recently was presented with a situation with someone I know- and without going into detail- I was given some information that many would have probably talked about behind the persons back, but not confronted them with it. It was extremely delicate and without going into detail- I knew that I couldn’t pretend I didn’t know. I reached out and asked to talk to them- and we did. The conversation was hard, definitely for me- but even more so for them. I did my best to approach it gently and with as much love and compassion as I have. There was no judgement on my part, but I know the person felt it awkward, because had the roles been reversed I certainly would have.

But it makes me curious as to how others handle difficult conversations? I ‘try’ (key word there) not to judge anyone when I don’t understand or agree with something, but rather try to have a conversation. I know that pain and shame runs deep and more often than not- people tend to shut down difficult conversations when it requires them to stretch their thinking process outside of the norm.

While I may not agree- and I may even find myself frustrated (which I know to ask myself why and dig deeper within when I do) I am always open to an authentic conversation. It doesn’t mean everyone is & that has everything to do with themselves and not me.

Food for thought for myself- and my own personal research is to ask others what is their first reaction when asked a difficult question that is going to lead into a possible difficult and uncomfortable conversation?

“She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful.” – Terri St Cloud

Happy eve of my 54th birthday. As I sit typing this- there is a cup of chai beside me to sip on as I type. The doors and windows are open and the sounds of the birds chirping brings a certain comfort that is difficult to put into words. The voices of nature- The house is quiet & I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the last year- a gift to give myself- a love letter, if you will. Something to tuck away, and God willing to read again next year on my birthday.

The aforementioned quote is the catalyst for this letter to myself. I had been tossing around the idea, after the last few years have been life altering, not only for me, but for so many others. I have learned a lot, not only about myself, but also how I view others.

Looking back on the past year, I see details that weren’t always pretty. A little over a year ago I decided to give myself the gift of starting a regular exercise plan in order to take better care of myself. Spending time in the garden with the few friends I saw during the high point of the pandemic & exercising were what kept me semi-sane, but yet as someone who feels deeply, seeing others suffer, being discriminated against, being mistreated by what I thought to be good people was almost too much.

I cried a lot of tears on my elliptical and walking sessions- had a lot of conversations- did a lot of learning and also unlearning in some cases.

It took a long time, but I finally realized that there is no way people can see what somehow doesn’t resonate with them & because so much dehumanization has been taking place, it is he first step to people losing compassion and empathy for their fellow man- who may have a different experience than their own. It was a bitter pill to swallow.

At the same time- it was one that was necessary for me to see, cry, sometimes scream & feel completely untethered from so much- so I could learn & stretch and ultimately grow.

People are far more driven from their unhealed past than they realize. Shame is a huge factor and there are some who simply don’t want to see others do well- because of their own insecurities. It isn’t about you, Lori.

I came to the realization & with a lot of grief attached that some of the people I have had in my life wanted me to ‘do well’ on their terms as long as it fit into their image- and I wasn’t ‘too’ much.

I would hear- This is one of the things I love so much about you ,,,,,, but

or Don’t share this- it will make people think you are being arrogant or showy-

Don’t say that- it’s controversial-

and the list goes on

What the hard realization was- is that those little seeds kept me from fully being me & leaning into my own potential.

Shame and toxic positivity are two things I learned a lot about- and continuing to learn and work on myself- I’ve also learned what isn’t acceptable to me anymore.

I won’t be less than who I am to make someone else feel comfortable.

I won’t deny my potential or downplay my talents. I’ll be me- good bad and ugly.

I will have hard conversations not only with others but also myself-

I will listen more- and continue to strive to be a good friend.

I won’t stop loving people just as I do.

I’ll still live life in technicolor rainbows of love and acceptance of others.

I’ll stay curious.

and when things get difficult, I’ll remember that I can do much harder things than I realized and when I feel as though I’ve lost my joy due to an abundance of pain- to continue to focus on the little things & on being grateful and gifted another day.

Love yourself first-